I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize