I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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