remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I would ride that face into the sunset
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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