I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
