Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
