If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
