Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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