you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Too much gin, very little bucket
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
