I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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