Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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