She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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