Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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