someone threw a dead crab at me
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
