just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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