I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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