I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
40s are totally the cure
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
