Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
