Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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