You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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