if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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