I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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