it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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