Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
