somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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