I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
