You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
