She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize