Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
