respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize