If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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