I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
