I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
