Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
