i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Randomize
