if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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