You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
