Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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