The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
