i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
