On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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