Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
