I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize