You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
