Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
