Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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