Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
