It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
