i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
