Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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