We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
