apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
