Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm passing your future prison.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
