Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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