alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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