Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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