if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
