I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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