I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
