He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
