She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
