"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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