Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
