Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
