I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
