You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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