I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
