1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
