she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
